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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

MacBook Air: Apple's Supreme Brain Fart

Well, MacWorld has come and gone, and all anyone got was this lousy laptop. Seriously, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. This laptop sucks major wang.

Now I know that you may be saying "Hey, T! You haven't even touched it yet! How could you possibly bash this laptop so soon?! It's not fair!"

Well, I have plenty of reasons to hate this svelte little Turd from Cupertino, and I'll give 'em to you right now.

The overall form factor, ridiculously slim and light, is executed flawlessly. Unfortunately, almost everything you'd find in a normal laptop had to either be removed or replaced with Steven Jobs' raw excrement to pull it off. There's only one, count 'em, ONE USB port on this puppy, along with a mono audio out. Yes, you heard right. MONO. It's TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING EIGHT, Apple! Your mono crap makes me want to put on a leisure suit, hop into my AMC Pacer, crank the 8-Track up to the max and elect Jimmy Carter's ass back into the White House. MONO, Stevie-boy? Get real.

Another addition to the list of things castrated from this laptop is an optical disc drive. No CD, no DVD, no nothing. How will I install my programs, you might ask? Well, Apple has included this nifty software that allows you to access the CD or DVD drive of another Windows or Mac computer in order to install programs, move files, or anything that requires a disc. Oh, I could just imagine that conversation on the plane!

MacBook Air Owner: Excuse me, sir.

Other Laptop Owner: Yes?

MacBook Air Owner: Do you mind if I install this program on your laptop so I can watch a DVD on my laptop?

Other Laptop Owner: Why would you need to do that?!

MacBook Air Owner: Because I just bought this MacBook Air, and it doesn't come with a DVD drive. Could you please help me?

Other Laptop Owner: It seems like your pansy-ass laptop needs to grow a pair! Screw off, jackass!

The Other Laptop Owner dons his headphones as the MacBook Air owner listens to his Michael Bolton in mono. He wishes he had his leisure suit.

Your processor choices for the Air are quite scarce, as well. You have a choice of either a 1.6 or 1.8 Ghz Core 2 Duo, and your only choice in the memory department is 2GB. Hard drive options include a 80GB 42oorpm PATA or a 64GB solid state drive. Although the solid state drive will most likely provide stellar durability and speed, it jacks up the price of your Turd by over a grand.

The cost of the Air will either be $1,799 or $3,098. That's it! Two options.

There are a couple of good things about this ultra-portable, however. The touchpad has been blessed by the wonderful multi-touch technology first introduced in the iPhone, and the Air has so much sex appeal that it would make Larry King look like a late-1990's Clinton. Other than that, total shit.

Now I'm gonna go take a shower. I feel dirty now...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha Wow. I am so glad you pointed that out to me before I desired to have one. That is RIDICULOUS. I was about to get sick at the one USB thing, but then you said it had no CD/DVD O_o....what the hell were they thinking!? *gets sick*